its another holiday for me
this is a holiday...its my sister's birthday and i felt like getting on here since i havent been on since the summer of last year. i mainly get on myspace instead of here...thats only because i listen to my music on myspace. but anyway, i lost my dream of attending YALE and whatnot. my grades are slipping. i have recieved my first F in my life, it was in honors pre-calculus. i hate math, i have always hated math. and now i have my first D ever in AP US History....thats a college level course and i am only a junior..its retarded. i hate school, i have hated school since 6th grade. there was actually a time where i loved school but that was in elementary school when i was naive. now its a chore and a dreadful chore in fact. so i am going to procrastinate longer from my many projects. but i guess i should get back to stupid work. ttyl cyber world. no one reads this anyway....why am i even writing??????
today is their anniversary...and i cant stand it. they have been together for 10 years now. 10 years of manipulation and dictatorship. i hate what he has done and of course i dont think they should still be together but thats what they choose. he is good for fixing our computer and providing for our house and bills but thats all...he is sooo annoying because he causes stress and fights in my family, my friends, everything. everything in my life is affected by him. the way i feel about myself, the way i react when boys are around, the way i think of guys in general is stained by his actions, his very being, and because of his influence. i hate it. this is the worst day in the whole year. worse than valentines day, worse than the first day of school. its the worst. its the anniversary of john and my mom's marriage.
today is not a special day, but i am soooo wanting to write...i am so idk, so depressed, stressed, idk what to call how i feel......i feel empty. my therapist says i am okay, but i dont think i am. everything with the family wanting to take stupid john to court has just put me on edge. why do they have to do this when everything is going just fine...i forget about his stupid self until they come calling talking about him. can i not have a break of talking about him and how he screwed up everyone's lives? i know that he did...i know he could do something to someone else but would someone do the same thing if he knew that his devious plans wouldnt work a second time? he is supposed to be a mastermind manipulator, then wouldnt he be smart enough to know not to try it again? why does life have to be bogged down w/ "i hate you, you messed my life up" and "you are to blame for my messed up life" or "you need to rot in jail for touching me"...when will that life end of trying to blame it all on him? why cant we all move on and try to enjoy what life we have left? why do i not have self-esteem or confedience, why? why? why? i know why...because thats how it is. thats what this life is supposed to be like...this is God's plan...then i must ask, where does this plan lead me? where does it stop? what will i encounter? will it be another abusive man, another man to be a part of my life and just leave like all the ones in my life right now (were in my life)...will it be another episode of my sister's distrust in my mother? what will it be? my impatience is killing me!!!
i love writing poetry! another poem!
Dancing
Coming from the radio,
An intense song coursed through the air.
A girl began to dance with the tune,
Feeling the pulsing tone.
The girl bounced and bobbed
To the stimulating sound of the song.
She felt the curves of her body
Sway in time with the song’s beat.
Arms up high, she danced
With all the energy she had.
Filled by the emotion of the song,
She hadn’t realized it already ended.
Written on: June 21, 2005
At The Lake with Joe
Walking across the splintery boards
Of the deck upon the lake
I was walking towards the end
Towards the edge upon which you stood
“Jump with me” I heard you say
But I was too afraid
My feet stuck to those boards
Not ever wanting to move
You jumped in anyway
And waded there beneath me
The sweat dripped down my back
As I watched you swim in the cool lake water
“What in the water can hurt you?”
The thought said running through my mind
He swam there beckoning me
Why shouldn’t I join him?
The cool water could be a break
From the dreadful heat filling the air
The innocent swim with him
Would be something to remember.
Sarah Foster
2005 (Activity 9)
yet another poem that i wrote
Merciless Weather
A hot, summer day
Where memories just melt away.
Suffocating haze and heat,
No where for me to get cooled.
Another stage of battle.
White powdery snow,
Making the time slow.
A creeping, biting chill
Yet I long to play.
Another stage of battle.
The rain pitters and patters
Leaving the day much sadder.
Wetness gathers everywhere,
As I sob and my nose sneezes.
Another stage of battle.
Thunder hitting the ground,
Hail sounds.
Its chucked against my back
As I run, I run to take cover inside.
Another stage of battle.
Nature has arranged
Its merciless operations and gapes.
Throwing whatever weather it can,
It has succeeded in distracting my course.
Another stage of battle.
Sarah Foster
again i write on a holiday!!! well anyways, today is mother's day and its been pretty boring other than trying to walk in new heels...and they were really weird ones too!!! i went to hhgregg and saw all the appliances and thought of what we should get whenever we move out of this awful house. its not that this house is bad or anything, its just too big and well there's too many bad memories in it. i cant wait to find out which high school i will be going to next...my 4th high school when i am a junior, and it bothers me that i dont know where it will be...it could be in concord, harrisburg...i have no idea. i know though that it will not be in charlotte or at north meck or "crunck meck" is how they prefer to be known as which is sooo completly stupid!!! church was amazing today...too bad the people that needed to hear it the most werent paying attention to the serman...ohhh well!!!
geez...i miss people soooo much. i dont understand myself!!! i want to get to know people but then i just shut them off...its like i have this thing about me that tells all to not talk to me or something...i hate it!!! what is sooo wrong with me that pushes them away when i want them to get closer?!?! should i be more positive when i am not ...which makes me a hypocrite which is just wrong......should i what??? i have no clue...i just want to be myself which seems to not be enough for anyone.
stress
(no subject)